The loneliness of the part-time expat...conversation, anyone?

[louisarogers]

We discovered Guanajuato 20 years ago, bought a home here 15 years ago, and have been spending part of the year here ever since. Funny, after all these years, I still find the in-out, off-on, entry/re-entry lifestyle challenging. I'd love to talk to other folks about this. Part-timers especially, but really anyone. If you're interested, please email me at louisarogers51@gmail.com

[DonJuane]

I never saw this when it appeared originally but it just now popped up as a "similar post" under my latest "diatribe". And while it's an old thread, the subject matter seems always fresh. I have to say for anyone I honestly don't see much of community at large here in GTO. There are some extremely eclectic people here and many, many that seem to stay to themselves and do mostly their own thing. And while I admire that, I really feel sorry for those who arrive looking for a deep feeling of community. And there have been 2-3 "go-getters" who have entered the city (won't mention names) but as hard as they have worked to build some kind of community or at minimum create a sustaining social structure, I believe they finally have realized that the undertow that flows here offers just too much resistance. Maybe it is too early for group building and we haven't SanMiguel-ized quite enough yet And don't let me sell anyone short, Deb, Paul, April, Doyle, Clay and others I may have missed naming while quite good friends, we all seem to remain quite busy doing our own thing here or there, so from that perspective we are like the (previous?) majority and at the same time we are not exactly the kind who skirt from bar to bar while getting smashed every night, the major pass time in most expat communities.

GTO as a place to retire, I really can't say much one way or the other except to "proceed with caution". GTO in so many ways is unique. It's like 20 different plays all being acted out on the same stage. And at best what you end up with if seeking a sense of community and getting what amounts to "small town syndrome" where the gossip starts and the alliances build and the "we don't talk to them" and the "they don't talk to us" is the order of the day. I firmly believe however, if one wishes for any kind of like-minded community that Chapala or San Miguel de Allende would be a better place for those who still remind in a USA mindset. Still it's not a sure thing there. I've participated in the social scene in San Miguel and I've summarized it before saying it's the same old pretentious society and "one uppitiness" that you encounter back in the States but with the major exception that the classes in San Miguel seem to mix better. The rich and braggadocios find the market too saturated with the same type of activity and often have to lower their standards to a friend-base of the less affluent, just to have someone to talk to and who at least pretends to be amused. Chapala in turn generality seems more like a large old folks home or retirement center should I say. It's lots of old folks yelling to "get off my lawn" and not sure of your political leanings but Trump is still held in high esteem by many there (which pretty much is "a wrap" for me LOL). And you'll find a lot of rich Texans and people from Houston and oil money and rich people who have tired of their rich friends and who if you will give them the attention they deserve may very well befriend you and fill in the some of that prevailing void. still the Lake Chapala Society provides a much needed base for those who have relocated there. But San Miguel remains the real star in this movie and the social elite there continue to do quite well in that environment. Still the phoniness of a lot of the San Miguel society and their boredom means there are just too many garden clubs and too much of trying to seek out a position of self-appointed importance in the roles they assign themselves. (Actually the same as back in the US, come to think of it LOL)

So in short if one moves to Mexico and in reality Mexico is "not your thing" and I mean that in the sense one is not willing to shed some of the possessions and idealism that our culture is known for and and if they are not interested in diving "head first" into the culture that Mexico provides, then we see these types are often left in a sea of loneliness. Unfortunately a solution for many at this point is a liquor bottle, but I hope that's a direction you wish not to fall victim to.

Now I personally don't believe that loneliness is any greater in this situation than living in the US and having identified a lot of the parts of our culture and society that become quite nauseating when held up to the light and once we face them for their true level of shallowness, then huge amounts of loneliness can creep in just as easily Stateside while being just as lost in the US as some become in Mexico. So there are many ways to get left out there in limbo and to discover that we are lonely. But without me knowing you, I can only grasp at straws and speak superficially of ideas that might help you. And I don't want to hurt you but moving to Mexico and establishing a big investment in a home or business while still remaining in the mindset of what we knew back in the US seems brimming with the potential for creating such a dilemma. How does one escape that, well it's hard to advise.

All I can provide to you is perhaps a couple of tidbits that will probably allow you to quickly write me off. But nevertheless maybe it's worth a stab with me trying to share my own experience here. Right now I am thinking that even after 20 years GTO it's going to be tough for you to continue to manage if you are lonly now unless you undertake a major change. And even let's say if you find 6 more couples that you begin to socialize with and get along with, things are going to get boring around here after a while. (Don't forget small town syndrome!) And while the symphony is great, you still have gnawing at your heals constantly the increasing tourist traffic and the fact you can't walk from one end of town to the other without getting pushed, shoved, and rolled up like a burrito. And in reality what's left to do here once you've taken a full roll of film-shots of the colorful panorama? True there are several great charities to jump into but they are what I call "slow moving" meaning they meet every month or two and they may not do it for someone with a high metabolism and who likes to stay active. And there are always those never ending stairs. And while you may even be a gym freak I am betting that one day you are bound to say, you know I've had about all this stair climbing exercise I need for a while. So the stairs get old. Then there's the ever present dog shit, which exists everywhere, from wet to powdered. Last year in fact I caught some kind of weird lung disease (no fever) from breathing this crap that kept me exhausted in bed half a day and lasted 6 months which left me going to the hospital with pneumonia and it may have very well been from the powered dog shit that is everywhere. Still that may be a bit off subject.

What I have found that's given me my own change of direction and what has influenced me most is discovering the love of my life here in GTO and with her having a home here, while I do love GTO I still have to repeat to myself quite often that with all my own incentive to call it home, it may not be the best place to live for everyone or even me on a daily basis. We initially kept our own loneliness at bay by staying on the road constantly and have discovered over time that this constant immersion in the Mexico culture keeps us both on our toes for navigating both the dangers and pleasures of a lifestyle based solely on continuing to move across this country while we remain constantly satisfied by barrage of new Mexican people we meet and interact with daily. You see traveling will keep you so engaged and busy you can't help but allow the familiar things of your previous life and culture to slip away. This goes on and on for a while, then one day as you return to GTO and take your various moments of introspect you will soon discover that all those previous expectations and assumptions of need when you moved here are starting to dwindle; today you discover you are no longer wrapped around your old lifestyle and any loneliness or deep desire to re-connect with the experiences of your past, which if not now, will quickly all melt away. You have no choice but to "become a Mexican" so to speak. Along your travel route you'll find that your Spanish improves first of all and then you'll notice on trips back to your GTO home that your decor turns to quite colorful and Mexicanny. Your Spanish will continue to improve more and more and those friends you used to have who only wanted to meet you at the local bar to share complaints and details of their riches can easily morph into visits to Mexican families, locals inviting you to weddings, and quinceanera, and back yard barbecues. You also start to look at your lifetime in Mexico as part of a family experience with your newfound families and not some of the old Gringo coffee meet-ups where you try to out-brag your peers that you have had more Mexican experiences than they have or more hand-woven rugs, etc.. In fact the peers mean less and less . And not to get into gender slurs here but maybe if you are a seamstress, or anything really, you start to identify with people who are natives to their areas and practice your own skill. As you interact with them your whole life changes to a point you are a global citizen and the old ring around the table brag sessions of Gringo days mean nothing any longer. Now when faced with visiting people from the US/CA you notice that their simple ideas begin to bore you and even as much as you love them, things just just aren't the same. The fact that on their visits you constantly hear "ewew" or a "yuck" about this or that simply doesn't matter to you any more. In fact it may even become sport to gross them out some way (start with toilet jokes or better yet, experiences) Or at even some point you may start to speak to your old Gringo friends and when you begin to explain your new life to them, they may say to you "Why would you want to do that". At this point the movie's zoom lens shrinks them into a pin head and you may wonder why you ever worried about the loss of their friendship in the past. And maybe without even realizing it you start having dinner parties consisting of only Mexican guests and you start getting invited to the big spreads and then the magic moment happens that you become part of their family. You won't travel as much either because something is always going on with one of your Mexican families but now it's back in that same-old but "very new" life that you have there in the home that you lived in 20 years and never realized what it could mean to you.

So there you have it - just a few short paragraphs of reading and I have de-Gringo-ized you and with that zapped away your loneliness. No charge!

© 2020 Don Juane - All rights reserved

[Izzenhood]

DonJuane

In full disclosure, I don't live in Guanajuato but have considered moving there. On my last visit I was alone for a few days and realized that I knew nobody there on a first name basis, except for a couple of instructors at one of the Spanish schools. I've had a little experience with San Miguel and Chapala and agree with many of your observations. In both places there were plenty of Gringos to meet. However I find Guanajuato to be much more appealing; mainly because of the beauty and the potential to explore the surrounding areas. Then again I was 55 on my first visit in 2006, so the stairs and hikes to La Bufa or Valenciana are a little less appealing.
With that in mind, if I did move to Guanajuato I'd want to learn spanish and make some local/Mexican friends.

I've always thought that the quickest way to become part of the local society would be to take classes at the Spanish schools and participate in the intercambios that they offer. Intercambios are where you get together with locals who want to learn english and converse. Whether or not you make any Mexican friends, at least you would know some locals, plus you would know the Spanish instructors, and eventually you might be included or at least acknowledged by the locals.

Hopefully I'll get to Guanajuato again after all this blows over. Although I might never live there it's first on my list.

Stay safe.

[DonJuane]

I do understand from those who seek to select Guanajuato for it's previous Spanish-only culture and charm but unfortunately this is a description one finds only from a 10 year old guide book or from a visit back in high-school or the pre-tourist days of the current windfall of tourism that the world is experiencing (what we will again clearly witness as soon as the go-whistle is blown on this minor distraction of a pandemic). Today the more popular GTO gets with the more restaurants, B&Bs and tourist outlets focusing on English speaking tourists and their money, and with speaking English being the only means of a path to success from the perspective of many locals, the more authenticity it will continue to lose day by day.

Still while it's lost a great deal of it's charm from the past, I suppose "see it today" is likely a better strategy than seeing it tomorrow. It remains questionable though if it is wise to "anchor in" from a living or big business investment perspective. If one really is moving here to cash in on the tourist trade, likely Playa del Carmen, downtown Oaxaca or Cabo would be much more lucrative. I mean if you are going to move into a city and set up a business that is geared to drawing in more people to the area who happen to be exactly, or near enough like you, it's hard to see how anyone would believe the demographics of the area won't change and with that a loss of the charm at an equal pace.

No one here has to look much further than this group to see the powerful growing community of entrepreneurship happening here. The tourist trade is just too tempting and they all probably care a lot less if GTO remains a quaint location than if their B&B or restaurant is filled each night. Money talks. That's mainly why it doesn't concern me too badly, the people here who shred me because I have criticized some aspect of their money making enterprises in the past. Anyway everyone always feels better with a good scapegoat. And from my end perhaps the thing that gets to me most is the pretense of those who claim to love the charm or this city yet are busy building some enterprise to increase it's value as a big tourist destination. That hunger for money will always override the ability to present a logical debate and in these halls the rabid reaction seen as a reaction to my and other's comments condemning the commercialization is quite obvious. As they say "it's only business" and therefore is quite logical.

I recall a Mel Brooks movie or some movie from my adolescence where they dumped a box of hundred dollar bills into a cesspool and watched everyone jumping in to retrieve them. This always comes to mind but who am I to complain; it's simply the "American" way and who actually am I to fight the massive incentive for the wonderfulness of "growth and expansion" :-)

[DonJuane]

As the COVID tramps onward, for some reason a section of the initial query here remains locked in the corner of my brain. I don't know exactly why but I keep revisiting the concept of loneliness and what it means to you, to me or even to a world consisting of not anyone in particular. I personally believe that loneliness has become a permanent fixture of our own society and that it shall always remain an integral part. Every aspect of our behavior over the past decades has turned us from "love thy neighbor" to "I got mine, Jack" so it's no wonder we are lonely. And simply being around people doesn't always help. I think a major part of our downfall has been the total loss of the skill of listening. But listening cannot be a part of a society whose members are only concerned with themselves. And it's proven both face to face and in social media alike. All that can be mustered as our best face forward on social media is the typical "slack-tavist" "LIKE" button, followed not with even a brief kind word to provide more support than that. Couple this with the reality we are actually not interested in anything that doesn't concern us personally and it's no wonder that listening is a dead art.

If you take a hard look sometimes when a discussion is unfolding within a group and if you look around the room you may imagine a race track where every horse is about to "bust a gut" waiting for the gate to spring open, watching for someone's lips to pause just long enough to take a breath - where the metaphoric starting shot is fired and the next horse moves to the front. And why even bother with the conversation is a thought I often ponder, because it's likely that only the current speakers lips and voice fluctuations are being monitored and solely to queue the next speaker.

Therefore in a society that can no longer listen and because of all which has destroyed their ability to listen, loneliness is and will continue to be with all of us for a very long time.

[jesm]

“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone.”
― Blaise Pascal